How do you deal with negative BW comments?

[tamsinbh]

Hi all,
I'm new to both babywearing and motherhood; my new son Toby is 12 days old today, born on Friday 9th March (8lb 2oz). I'm already active within the Essex/Suffolk group,and am looking forward to showing Toby off at the next meet-up!

I've got a Hugabub, and Toby already loves his time being worn. In fact, he's in there right now, and has been asleep on me for the last 3+hrs. I haven't been out and about much with the sling yet (or at all), but I'm already getting comments that I would like ideas on how to respond to. I certainly have no intentions of being influenced by other peoples attitudes, but coping strategies would be helpful!
For instance, my midwife's immediate reaction is that the baby must get too hot in the sling. My wife is concerned that I'm "spoiling" Toby by encouraging such close contact all the time i.e. she worries that I will find it difficult to settle him without using the sling. And I got a lot of "looks" from people in the doctors surgery waiting room yesterday - I'm sure that it was mostly because they've not seen anything like it before, but I didn't know how to react (I mostly just smiled at them to project a positive babywearing image!!).

Any suggestions on how you've coped in similar situations?

Tamsin

[Cassidyzialle]

Sorry Tamsin, I don't have any amazing advice to offer :-s I just wanted to sympathise as I feel a bit in the same situation. I don't even have my baby yet (not due for another 5 weeks) but already have a sling, a wrap and a wilkinet, and have been trying to get some practice in of using them. However, my mum, who I live with, isn't very supportive at all. She sees them all just as 'gadgets', a waste of money and just unnecessary effort. I really don't know how to deal with that, so will also be glad of any suggestions from other people!

Thanks,
Kate
xxx

[MoominHannah]

When my little boy was new and tiny like yours, I got a lot of comments. I had my MIL telling me he'd sleep better if I put him down for a nap, friends of friends telling me he'd over heat, other friends telling me I'd have to let him go sooner or later (WTF does that mean!?) etc etc.

I was mortified! 8o I felt so put upon. The only good comments I got were from local african women, who'd be so positive and tell me I was doing the right thing for my baby. I did have my mum who was encouraging (she carried me quite a bit when I was tiny), but she lives miles away from London in Devon.

I'm sorry to say Tamsin that Babywearing is simply one of a myriad of things you do as a new mum that invite comments. Its so damaging to a new mum's confidence, and I'm sure half the time people don't even realise the effect they have when they make such remarks.

The only thing that stopped me being quippy and snappy was to read up on the benefits, to boost my confindence and seek out likeminded mums so I'd feel less isolated in my choices.

Could you point your wife in the direction of some good Attachment Parenting style books? IMO everyone else can go boil their heads, but getting your partner on board and understanding your parenting choices is pretty vital for avoiding misunderstandings and arguments.

I hope it gets easier, it's early days though so everything feels fairly weird anyway (well, it did for me lol!). Let it flow over you and don't take it to heart. Easier said than done I know... Saying benign things like "well, we're both very happy when we're together like this and anything that makes us fell good, can't be bad!" or "well I'm sure I won't still be carrying him when he's 18!"

Also, if you know mums with older, babyworn toddlers, they're often good to use as examples: "so and so's son was carried like this, and he's the happiest most confident little boy - I want Toby to have self-esteem like that when he's older, that's why I'm carrying him now"

Hope that helps!

[Orangeness]

Well said Hannah!

[Becklesfield]

Ditto on that, and many congratulations Tamsin, welcome to the world of motherhood, and welcome to the world little Toby :D

I remember when my DD was 6 weeks old and I went to see a couple of work colleagues who also had young babies (one was 4 months and the other only 2 weeks) and we all changed nappies together before going out to lunch, and it was just the weirdest situation for me! Hannah is absolutely right in that everything's going to feel a bit strange at the moment and takes a little getting used to.

Be safe in the knowledge that you ARE doing the best thing for you and your baby and like has been suggested, smile and deflect :D The unwarranted and unsolicited advice stage will pass, eventually!

Good luck.

Bxx

[jessirobin]

I absolutely agree with Hannah and Becky. I am pretty old for a first time mother and I'm a doctor, and yet I still found the comments I got about spoiling, rod for your own back etc, really difficult to bear. But I had learned in my job that when I trusted my instincts about people and relationships, I was generally right and that kept me following my instincts in those tough early days. Just keep at it and be proud of what you are doing for little Toby. If you need some ammunition to counter the comments, perhaps read something by Deborah Jackson. She has written some great books collating the evidence for attachment parenting - full of useful insights.

Congratulations and good luck!

[Zanna]

Don't let copmments get you down. Slings are a big part of my life and I carried my second baby from birth until now ( at 2 1/2). Ten weeks ago I had my third and I got some negative comment again and even though I KNOW I am happy, confident, that my second isn't spoiled or not walking or totally dependant on me/ clingy etc I still felt a bit shaken by someone critisising me. And it wasn't even anyone important, was a mad old lady in the post office with lipstick up her face.

I am sure that your wife will understand the whole concept of babywearing the longer you have Toby. And it's something that you can both share. It's hard with a first baby (am assuming it's a first for both of you) to not worry about the "rod for your own back etc" general knowledge that the world seems to throw at you, but eventually you find your way and confidence in your own way. And even if a slung baby does find most comfort in a sling they can usually be settled in other ways, and also, it's absolutely great having a tool that WILL work, especially something as portable as a sling. So see that as a benefit too!:)

[carlajane]

I now mostly get 'not another one!' as I walk into a room!
If someone says your baby is spoilt, sniff them, say 'no - he smells quite fresh' and walk off!
Either that or ' I hope so'.
'But we're both happy and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters'.
Most of the looks I get are inquisitive ones - just smile sweetly. Some are very obviously jealous - especially people wearing crotch-danglers who look uncomfortable.
You will soon find yourself getting lots of positive comments too - 'snug as a bug in a rug' is one I hear alot when she's in a Kari me.

Congratulations on your bundle, BTW!
Carla x

[mamadillo]

lol at crotch-danglers, but yunno any bw is better than none ;)

[Janner]

Same way as I deal with all unwanted advice and comments: nod, smile sweetly and repeat silently the mantra that always gets me through - "opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one".

Come to think of it, though, I can count on one hand the negative comments I've had whilst wearing Tom but we've had so many more positive comments from complete strangers.

I'll second reading Deborah Jackson, she always makes me feel good about what I'm doing. And Dr Sears, if you need to convince anyone with a "medical" viewpoint.

Congratulations on your new baby, keep him close!

Janner

[ht123]

Just back from a lovely trip to the cafe with my son in our new Coriander Beco and Mamaponcho with co-ordinating scarf. Three positive comments and smiles from all passers-by!

Despite the many negative comments/freaked-out looks I continue to receive about my co-sleeping/toddler-breastfeeding/organic-food-making/no-crying-'it'-out policy/cloth-nappying/not-having of enough 'me-time'/not employing strangers to look after my son so I can get my nails done/not being in the slightest bit interested in going back to 'work'/gentle-disciplining/thinking that emotions aren't the work of satan...

I have rarely had any negative comments about wearing my baby! I'm telling you, put a cute hat on baby's head - or better yet, get matching ones! - smile broadly, and you will get nothing but 'Awwwwwwww isn't that CUTE!'

But seriously. One of the meanest comments I've ever had was from a slinger watching me put my baby in a pram. I also got a nasty look recently from a mother at a real nappy fashion show, who watched me change my kid (a 'model' on the 'catwalk') out of a Pamper. HEY! He's grown out of his Medium Fuzzis in the rise and the Larges haven't been delivered yet, so don't judge me for not wanting teething poo leaks in my Ergo! Anyway. I digress.

I do understand how upsetting it can be for others to question your parenting choices, especially in the beginning. GRR. Had lots of that from in-laws, Health Visitors, etc.

Back to the babywearing, I'll tell you about the negative comments I did get. Mostly from people who wanted me to put my baby down so THEY could 'have a cuddle.' There were SERIOUS issues about 'ownership' of the baby, who certain people in my life felt belonged to their tragic genetic dynasty, as if I were merely an annoying vessel - in the way, with weird habits and ideas, hogging the baby.

There is the whole thing where women are encouraged to express milk so Dad (or co-parent) can have a go...etc. As if there isn't another way to bond. I found my family members very jealous of the 'exclusive' relationship I had with my baby. The breastfeeding and constant wearing. I distinctly remember an unpleasant scene while walking through St James Park, being asked repeatedly to let them push him in the pram. It was not yet time for that.

So, is it possible that some of the comments made by your wife could be in any way about that? There are lots of dynamics between couples where babies are involved. I have talked about this with many mothers who reported a sort of tug-of-war, or war dance, at the start. No offense if I am way off base. Just sharing my experience.

I agree with Hannah, get some 'ammunition' for the naysayers to read. Above all, be enthusiastic rather than defensive (which is a lot easier when you've truly recovered from the shock of birth and becoming a mother). I can still be quite defensive (see above, heh) and it always backfires. So. I am trying to change a little.

When I get comments now about breastfeeding or co-sleeping, I just act really jolly and naive, as if what I am doing is the most obvious and normal thing in the world. It works much better than telling someone about statistics and the latest recommendation by the World Health Organisation!

I also say 'I hope so!' when people say he'll be spoiled, or 'Yes, he is!' when they say he is already. When people say I am making a rod for my own back, I say 'better my back than his. Anyway, we are both very happy with things as they are, thanks.' You will find what works for you. Honor your baby and your instinct by persevering. You are a lioness.

So. Sorry for the ramble. I am carried away as, unusually, my son has been happily napping for a significant stretch of time (OMG, because he is in a PRAM, parked in the hall on one of those Dream Mover machines that rocks him constantly with a gentle 'shh-shhh' noise). Send the Attachment Police! But first let me finish my weird organic barley drink!

Defend what works for you. I hope your wife will soon come to grips with everything and join you in some happy babywearing. Give her time. Partners often just need time. They too are in a sort of shock.

love H

ps I agree with pp about the crotch-danglers. It IS babywearing, with the best of intentions - despite the WORST equipment. I had a crotch-dangler before I knew better and it actually worked really well for my son's severe reflux when he was super-tiny, whereas the process of bending his legs to put him in the wrap I subsequently bought caused an instant vomit vesuvius!

[kl_gendron]

The worst comment I had was actually from a friend - I was telling her what an easy baby my son was and that he was just at that point when he would cry if I left the room for a minute (which is basically a stage that indicates they are starting to understand their environment)....my friend piped in with 'maybe it is because you never put him down'.

I was a bit dumb-founded. I had just finished telling her how I owed my continued attempts at breastfeeding to the ringslings I had been using (don't even ask...every hour on the hour 24 hours a day for 4 months before I was actually diagnosed as not being able to produce enough breast milk - without the sling I would have given up)....anyway, I just bit my tongue and picked up my laughing baby.

The really funny thing is that I gave her one of my stretchy wraps to use with her newborn (she has a bad back and lives by the sea - you can't take a pushchair on the beach!)...she is now a complete convert and has moved onto a lovely fleece Calin Bleu. She was also at my place the other day, cuddling up to my copious didy's and other wraps.

So, I think a lot of comments are based on common 'beliefs'.

Just brush the negative comments off - laugh about them...and tell all of us your stories...we like to laugh at silly people too.

cheers,
k

[tinklepuss]

Congratulations Tasmin.
Now that I have been babywearing for a while I think the comments come just because people always want to make a comment about something. It is just about the sling coz that is the most obvious. I now just smile at people and can laugh inside at the stupidity of some of the things people say!
I have always found that trying to find some similar minded mums helps boost confidence when you are a bit down and reading lots of AP books!
Good luck with your wife - it is so daunting at first finding out how you want to be a parent - I still feel uncertain after nearly 3 years of it!

[zuzana]

I got my firts wrap and yesterday and sling today and am going out soon for the first time with it, so now I read this, I'm prepared for the worst.

I remember, when our daughter (now 3) was small and Gary was just carrying her in his arms, some old women stopped us and told us that we are spoiling her...........and I just told her, that if she does get spoiled, we are the one to suffer most with it.

I hope your confidence won't suffer with those comments....like people said before, just remember all the benefits

[nicnacpaddywac]

Well, i was at a car boot sale today, and DP had DS in a back carry in the mei tai. He was wandering several yards ahead of me, and a stallholder commented loudly to her son that it was a "disgrace" the way DS was being carried, and that he was "practically doing the splits" and "disgusting". (Now, he's only 5.5 months, but won't stay froggied, so his legs are a bit too short to hang "properly", but he's obviously happy.

I saw red, and am ashamed to say that i none-too-politely told her to keep her comments about my son to herself.

[mamadillo]

:( ugh. Times like that when I think it would be good to have a leaflet about how good slings work, but I'm not that organised and it would get real tatty real fast in my bag, lol.

[Becklesfield]

I saw red, and am ashamed to say that i none-too-politely told her to keep her comments about my son to herself.

LOL! Good on you!!! :D

Bxx

[indiaeden]

I agree with lots said here,but just wanted to say that those comments can shake the confidence of even the most experienced mostly confident Mamas.
I remember walking to school on a very hot July day when my fourth baby was just over a week old. I had him naked(except for a nappy) under a very lightweight gauze wrap,shaded from the sun,but cool against my skin.
I walked past a group of young nursery nurses who exclaimed rather loudly that I was going to overheat my baby.
Now I knew I wasn't going to,I'd worn all of my children (first two from crotch danglers!) and was an experienced parent and babywearer,but I still went home and cried.
Good luck babywearing your new baby,just remember you are doing what is right for you both.
And fwiw a few months after the above incident,a local shopkeeper commented to me that my ds2 was the most content baby he'd ever seen,and he said it must be because I carry him...the good comments do come,and they far outweigh the bad.:)

Love Jeanette

[Becklesfield]

Just back from a lovely trip to the cafe with my son in our new Coriander Beco and Mamaponcho with co-ordinating scarf. Three positive comments and smiles from all passers-by!

Despite

Heather, do you use the Mamaponcho with a back carry? If so, HOW do you get it on???? I have one and I just find it almost impossible to get on Mila when she's on my back - I would love some help!

Bxx

[tamsinbh]

Thanks all for your comments - it's all very helpful! I've only just had a chance to get back on here to read the responses, but it's great to hear of others similar experiences, at whatever stage of motherhood/babywearing.

Hannah's comments early on really helped; I already feel a lot more confident about babywearing, and having been out and about with Toby in the HAB quite a bit now, it definitely is true that people are mostly fascinated, or saying something along the "how cute" line. It's a very good point that you don't need to get defensive if someone says "you're spoiling him" though, agreeing with them, and saying that that is a good thing, is going to completely non-plus them!

Zanna was also very accurate about Karen & me both worrying about "making a rod for our own backs" with Toby being our first baby, but now that he's almost 4 weeks, I think that we are much happier settling into our own way of doing things, and sod what anyone else thinks. I am more pro-AP than she is naturally, but generally we're not too much in conflict on style of parenting, and we seem to be able to talk through our different points of view reasonably most of the time (except when we're both exhausted!). Plus Karen has worn Toby in the HAB a couple of times now, over the weekends, and of course likes the feel of him snuggled up close, so that's all to the good.

Interesting what ht123 said about "tug of war" parenting, over methods of bonding; luckily this isn't the case for us. I think that most lesbian couples are so conscious of the birth/non-birth mother divide that they go OTT to find ways around this. For instance, Karen is very happy for me to breastfeed Toby, but I actually want to express so that she can also feed him, giving him his late night feed before bed (and it means I can get off to bed earlier!). She has her own special times with him, and she certainly has the magic touch in being able to settle him - very handy.

I have had the "when are you going to take him out" type of comments though - from people who want a cuddle! Basically, Toby gets to stay where he is whilst he's happy ;o)

I'm trying to convert the other mothers in my NCT group to babywearing; we meet up twice a week and I always wear Toby whilst they have to load up their cars with prams etc. They can see how content he is (although they "complain" that they don't get to see much of him!), and I have got a few of them to try wearing their own babies in the HAB. I think that they are slightly put off by the length of fabric in a wrap though, thinking it looks too complicated. Will have to see if I can get a few of them along to a Slingmeet to try other slings/carriers.

[zuzana]

OK, I just wanted to post my experience from my first outing with Ry in a wrap. It went quite well, he fell asleep soon and we went to do the shopping (just want to add here, that if I drop something, I can't pick it up so easily with Ry in a wrap....it is like being pregnant again :D ).

Anyway, Couple of, probably, 12-13 years old boys looked at me and laught. OK, they are young and they are boys, but I still said something horrible about their clothes...I know I shouldn't have, but they just wound me up :o .

Then I got stopped by this sweet little old lady, who must have been about eighty, who had her zimmer frame. Anyway, she stopped us and said.."his legs shouldn't be hanging down, they should be up at his knees".....or something in this context. Then she said something about being in china or something.......I thought that was quite nice, that she didn't criticize, only tried to explain, how to have him there properly. And I just popped his knees back up (I'm still learning how to use it properly :o ) and all was good.

so so far, people just smile at me (apart from teenagers....I found those worst. They think they know it all X( )

[Kamala]

I'm new to this site and I wish I'd known about it when my baby was born last summer as I've felt like a freak for the last 9 1/2 months!! No-one I know is really practising APand I was starting to think I was the only one in the whole of London.

I've carried my son in his hugabub all the time since he was a week old and I have taken him everywhere around London and outside London, on holiday to Greece etc and have rarely had a negative comment. Most comments have been positive and the only vaguely negative ones have been about wasnt he heavy (he's a BIG baby) and didn't my back hurt. When I showed them how the hugabub supports your back they often asked me for the 'phone number of the person I bought it from!

On the down side I have had a lot of negativity about co-sleeping, washable nappies and especially not "letting" him cry.........

[Kamala]

I wish I'd known about this site when my baby was born last summer as I've felt like a freak for the last 9 1/2 months!! No-one I know is really practising AP and I was starting to think I was the only one in the whole of London.

I've carried my son in his hugabub all the time since he was a week old and I have taken him everywhere around London and outside London, on holiday to Greece etc and have rarely had a negative comment. Most comments have been positive and the only vaguely negative ones have been about wasnt he heavy (he's a BIG baby) and didn't my back hurt. When I showed them how the hugabub supports your back they often asked me for the 'phone number of the person I bought it from!

On the down side I have had a lot of negativity about co-sleeping, washable nappies and especially not "letting" him cry......... If I had a fiver for every time I've had the rod for your own back comment I wouldn't have to work again.:D

[nicnacpaddywac]

LOL! Good on you!!! :D

Bxx

Should i admit that i *actually* wanted to grab her by the throat and punch her lights outX( ?

[Becklesfield]

Should i admit that i *actually* wanted to grab her by the throat and punch her lights outX( ?

Uh-huh...I can definitely see that! It's the Lioness in us...;)

Bxx

[Becklesfield]

Hi Wendy

I used a Hug-a-Bub for my first wrap too, and I loved it :D

Glad you've found the forum. It's been a life saver for me too, having like minded mamas at hand and to meet up with on a regular basis is so important!

Bxx

[Kamala]

Hi Becky

What did you move on to after the hugabub? I'm really keen not to use it again this summer as it was waaaay too hot last year - I don't understand that one since it originates in Australia........ I thought a back carrier would be better now he's bigger - have you any experience of any?

Wendy (& Noah!)

[Becklesfield]

Hi Becky

What did you move on to after the hugabub? I'm really keen not to use it again this summer as it was waaaay too hot last year - I don't understand that one since it originates in Australia........ I thought a back carrier would be better now he's bigger - have you any experience of any?

Wendy (& Noah!)

My first sling after my HaB was a Joey Slings MT. This was great as it is quite a thin MT so felt quite cool for her. Wrap wise you can try any of the gauze wraps. Calin Bleu and Gypsy Mama both do lovely ones and Ellaroo wraps are really thin and good for hotter weather too. Some of the didy wraps are thinnish, but I have yet to experience them in the hot weather, so I'll leave others to comment on which ones are best.

Bxx

[FunkySlings]

I didn't discover slings until Savannah was 3 months old and until then I got so much criticism it is unbelievable really. I had more arguments than I can care to remember but by the time I had slings I had fallen out with everyone in my 'controlled crying family'.

It was really hard but has made me so much stronger and I can now stand up for my beliefs, which is very important.

My source of information has been the DR Sears homepage. It is really worth spending a few hours over it.

The biggest source of friction within my family though was breastfeeding but that's for another board ... ;-)

Try to not let it affect you to much and try to focus on the closeness between you and your baby.

Good Luck :-)

[Kamala]

The more I hear and read (on this forum especially) the more shocked I am to discover that lots of mums are having to deal with this kind of treatment. I also have had to not only deal with criticism and (unbelievably) actual nastiness from my own family (apparently I am making myself a "martyr" because of my parenting style) and so-called friends; my address book has been seriously depleted! It is a shame that I was so naive about this before my son was born otherwise I would have been better prepared. The main thing I've noticed is that most criticism seem to stem from insecurity. Mothers KNOW instinctively what is right and it seem that those mothers who go against their own instinct, for whatever reason - and I am not in any way blaming as societal pressure is incredible and it takes a strong person to stand up to it - are left with a feeling that that they haven't quite done things the way they would have preferred, and it comes out as an attack on AP mums. Now I just feel sorry for people who feel the need to criticise what is after all the natural way to do things, the way that in actual fact the majority of the worlds mums parent and, as far as I am concerned, the right way to parent. So far I haven't stooped to turning the tables by actually giving MY view on THEIR parenting style, which they definitely would not like ..... but I've been close. One day soon I'll get the hang of refusing to explain myself....:)

[Janner]

Tom's only 6 months old but I've already reached the point of "never apologise, never explain" when it comes to our parenting choices.

Especially with the in-laws.

I was given a lecture on the weekend by the other half's cousin on how it was intolerable for me to be woken twice a night for feeds, and controlled crying was simply the only option for us. I just smiled and told her I'd think about it.

Which I have. And I won't. Nehr.

<sticks tongue out when in-laws aren't looking>

Janner

[Zebra]

I've had very few negative comments re. slings - a couple of people have asked if he can breathe ok (duh! Of course I'm smothering my son) and I've been told the "only drawback is if i fall down stairs or something". Well, least I'll have my hands free to rescue us.

Lots of positive comments though on how comfortable/snug he looks in his kari-me, and being eye height means he gets a lot more attention from passer bys and sales staff than he would otherwise, I reckon.:)

[dirdles711]

To any of the spoilt comments I say 'not spoilt just loved' to the rest I try and ignore it as the feeling I have from carrying my baby girl is so great and I can't help but beam back at anyone who looks at us so I think they find it difficult to say anything, especially now my baby is 7 months and grins at them too.

[Becklesfield]

and I've been told the "only drawback is if i fall down stairs or something". Well, least I'll have my hands free to rescue us.




I have actually fallen twice while front carrying my DD. The first time I tripped down the steps into the garden (only a couple of steps), and the second time I was about to cross the road when my foot slipped on the sloped kerb (it was raining). Both times I got a hell of a fright but DD didn't even wake up!! I landed on hands and knees as you would normally when falling. Also, the babies become used to you bending down so the sensation is no different, just a little faster :) It was good to know she was really safe both times.

As for stairs, it's so similar to being pregnant in that you can't see your feet easily that we take extra care when negotiating stairs. Maybe you can point that out to them next time :)

Bxx