Breatsfeeding support

[MaisieMay]

I seem to be slow at learning how the threads and the site works, so forgive me if I don't do this properly.

I'm writing ebacuse I've started working part-time again so slingmeets have been hard to attend and I'd really love to come. My daughter is 18 months and I'm happily still breastfeeding her: first thing; before nap; after nap and to sleep and through the night. But now I'm really the only breastfeeding mum I know and I hugely miss having people to share stuff with about it.

Like: ... I still co-sleep - may partner feels excluded - what about other cosleeprs? .... linked to this we are just trying to stop night feeding with my partner doing the final bit before sleep - is it stupid of me to feel the wrench of this tiny separation? ... have other people successfully dropped nighttime feeds - how can I move to just morning and before bed? .... why do I feel I should drop feeds? I guess I'm worried about going cold turkey and would like to manage a very gentle slide away from the breast over several several months .... anyone else managed a gentle transition to indepenent sleeping?

Sorry if lots of things - I've been wanting to talk to others about it all for ages. Bumped into a slingmeeter in the park today which prompted me to write. x

PS: I find all the codes (DD etc) a bit odd - is there a basic desire not to name our children and partners online?

[indiaeden]

Hi, There are far more toddler breastfeeders out there than you realise! Toddler breastfeeding tends to go undercover,simply because the times toddlers usually want to nurse,they are at home.
I'm still feeding Sid and he'll be 3 in July. We co sleep too.
There is a really great book "How Weaning Happens" that I recommend you get a copy of.
For us,weaning is a gradual process,I work on the theory that "it's not a problem,unless it's a problem"..if that makes sense?
Right now Sid only feeds before going to sleep and during the night. Ideally I'd like the during the night feeds to stop,and I'd quite like Sid to start sleeping at least part of the night in his own bed,but it's not enough of a problem for me to do anything about it yet.
My DH feels similarly to me,and after co sleeping and night nursing (me not him!)four children,has learned to go with the flow.
There is a night weaning programme here (http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp) that is very gentle,but requires you and your dh work together.
Hmm, don't know if any of that helps you at all,think I've just waffled on.
I'm certain others will chime in with their experiences.

Love Jeanette

[mamadillo]

Scuse me butting in when I'm from over the border in Yorkshire ;) but a thread title like 'breastfeeding support' makes me look, nosy 'erbert that I am...

In answer to why you're feeling the need to cut down feeds, I'm suspecting it's a cultural thing that we (as a culture as a whole in the UK) expect our children to do without at night, but if you can access that subculture of toddler feeders (perhaps through LLL if there's a group near enough? or just through joining a couple of breastfeeding support organisations and having the newsletters to read, I don't know about BfN but LLL and ABM's regular magazines have mothers' stories on various subjects including toddler issues.) you can dispel that idea that you and your child aren't 'normal' because you both enjoy the good stuff about cosleeping and feeding on cue, and also the idea that toddlers don't grow out of this stuff without 'help' from some source or other. I think it can be particularly hard for 'breadwinning' men to wrap their head round this stuff as they might get some culturally-normal-but-'species-ly'-bizarre input from co-workers and/or customers which can be hard to shake off (I don't know you situation at all obviously but I do know this happens in lots of families) as can comments from family, friends, your own co-workers/customers/clients and the section of the general population who feel the desire to pass on their 'wisdom,' ahem!

As well as 'How Weaning Happens' you might want to read, if you haven't already, 'Three in a Bed' and 'Nighttime Parenting' and Dr Jay Gordon's book that I don't know the name of.

And now I'll butt out, I only stuck my head round to find a particular person to PM, lol.

[mumof3tobe]

Hello,

It can feel isolating when it seems you're the only mother you know doing certain things like nursing a toddler. Like jeanette says it seems to go underground as they're less likely to need nursing when you're out.

I co lead LLL Manchester. This month's meeting is on Thursday at my house in Handforth, please PM me if you'd like details. You'll certainly not feel alone in nursing an older baby or needing to discuss the topic of sleep!

xxx
fiona

[mummy_mary]

PS: I find all the codes (DD etc) a bit odd - is there a basic desire not to name our children and partners online?

I think this is because it is a public forum and some people don't want all their personnal details available to everyone (IYKWIM?)

I agree that there are probably more toddler breast feeders out there than you realise - it is not something that comes up in conversation often and my son only usually wants to feed to go to sleep (and during the night) so people don't know I am still feeding him and he is 2.

I did consider stopping feeding when I had some bf problems but I managed to carry on and I am glad I did. But I do get a lot comments from family about when I am going to stop feeding him, it would be better for both of us if I stopped ?( etc As long as it is not a problem for me I don't see why it should bother any one else. If it is not bothering you and you don't want to stop there is no reason why you should.

[LydiaLunch]

Hi May :hello:

First of all:


is it stupid of me to feel the wrench of this tiny separation?

Absolutely not! :hug: I bf DD2 to sleep, and if DH is home, he settles DD1, and I wish we could swap so often, or there were two of me. When DD2 was smaller, DD2 and I would snuggle into DD1's bed until she was asleep, but we get chucked out now. (Sorry for the DD overload!).

For me, continuing to bf Nell as long as I'd like will depend on nightweaning and less frequent feeding (than her big sister) during the day. I'm trying to be honest with myself and acknowledge my limitations to enable me to bf DD2as a toddler. I got to a point with Nancy where I was completely 'touched out' and couldn't hack continuing, so as soon as she slept through reliably (of her own accord from about 14mths) I weaned her cold turkey style with massive support from DH and no massive trauma, but still a regretable end to our bfing relationship. This finishing point also affected my experience of commencing bfing DD2, took me back there, it wasn't pleasent but we're enjoying it now. DD2 is really funny, she already bfs like a toddler, with 'slurpy', pouted lips (if you know what I mean) and one eye on the outside world.

I have always settled mine in their own beds at their bedtime, then co-slept from their first waking. This has worked well for us, with the waking getting nearer and nearer to morning. Is your partner successful at settling your little girl? If not initially, is it improving?

So, quite different in our house, but I'm doing my best ;) . I suppose I subscribe to the view that you ideally need a village to raise a child, but I've just got me and DH. Not that that's any less than the PPs but it helps me!

Hope to see you soon. 18mths is a really fun age to babywear because you can be so much more flexible and spontaneous about letting them walk when they want. Also, I'll tell you a secret, there's loads of toddler feeders out there. The vast majority of the mums of Nancy's friends bfed beyond a year, and plenty to 18mths and beyond. The feeling that people think you are doing it for your own benefit exclusively is difficult to deal with and often explicitly expressed by family in particular I have found. My Dad always comments that where we live, he gets the impression you'd be asked if you'd like some privacy to bottle feed rofl .

Rambled now so will sign off, Liz x

[samandlula]

Hi May - just replied to your private message today, let's get together soon - lots of love Sam xxx:hello:

[cloudbaby]

Hi May

Another toddler breastfeeder here. My son is nearly three and has only stopped feeding at night in the last 6-9 months or so (when I was pregnant). Funnily enough, I went through a phase when he was about 18 months when I reeeeally wanted him to wean at night, but it passed.

There's a toddler-breastfeeding special event at Stretford Leisure Centre on May 14th (Wednesday) from 1-3pm (as part of breastfeeding awareness week). There should be some good info for you there, if you can make it, as well as the chance to meet and talk to other mothers who are feeding over-1s.

Rachel x

[Paxine]

Hi May,
I must admit that I feel like i'm in a similar boat as you with regards to bf and weaning. My little man is almost 20mo and I set myself the goal of bf up to 24months. Well that goal is nearing and part of me feels ready to wean, the other part of me knows I will miss the experience. He gets so much pleasure from it, in fact we both do!
I feel like i'm talking myself out of weaning here.
But I also feel like I want my body back (no tomatoes) I'm a person in my own right. Anyway, I too would like to know how to wean (especially and night) and how to get him settled in his bed for the whole night.
I must admit that I am also too tired at night to be bothered (could translate to lazy) to put him back in his cot and pry him off my boob.
It's so convenient.
Anyway sorry for the rant, and if you find out any good tips be sure to let us know :D
Take care
Maxine

[lilyslings]

Hi May,

I think the 18 month mark is quite sensitive, as it's a transition phase between babyhood and toddlerhood. That was the time I was starting to feel awkward feeding dd1 in public. Thankfully, attending LLL meetings once a month, having "extended" bf friends of my own and a supportive dh have helped me feel normal.

Dd1, who is 3 now, fed until 2.5 yrs, 4 months into my 2nd pregnancy. She was down to 1 feed by then, at bedtime.
I encouraged her to stop feeding at night around her 2nd birthday. I was really resenting the frequent night wakings, and I was not settling back to sleep nicely as I used to. I felt she was ready to go without feeds for some stretch of time. So, she would last feed when I joined her in our bed. If she woke at night, I would tell her that it was night time, and she could feed when the sun was up. It worked quite quickly, and it was bliss.

We co-slept in our bed until her 2nd birthday. She decided of her own accord that she would sleep by herself in her bed. We had a mattress on the floor, along the bed, to soften any possible falls (which never happened). She declared one evening that this was her bed and she would sleep in it. At first, she was waking in the middle of the night and joining us. We did not mind. After a couple of months, she was sleeping through in her own bed.
Until 2 months ago, she was sleeping on her mattress in our room. Then when dd2 was born, my mum came around to give us a hand. Dd1 then moved in the guest room (which is actually her room) to sleep with my mum. When my mum left, dd1 carried on sleeping in her own room.

So dd1 has moved gently from breastfeeding, babywearing and co-sleeping without major traumas or fights :) I think this smoothness is due to changes occurring when we were all ready for them.

The key, really, is to surround yourself with people similar to yourself: who listen to their own needs and their families', are open to change and adapt. Children grow quickly and grow out of a lot of things that make them children. Until one day, they are teenagers ... Then there would certainly be concerns of a different nature, isn't it Jeanette and Rachel? ;)

I'm off to my parenting lifeline, meeting friends at LLL meeting (after I met other friends yesterday at slingmeet).
x Souad

[indiaeden]

The key, really, is to surround yourself with people similar to yourself: who listen to their own needs and their families', are open to change and adapt. Children grow quickly and grow out of a lot of things that make them children. Until one day, they are teenagers ... Then there would certainly be concerns of a different nature, isn't it Jeanette and Rachel?


Oh yes teenagers are fun..and mine isn't even quite there yet!
I do agree about surrounding yourself with like minded friends,that can give you the confidence to deal with those that are not.
Picking up on something Tracy said, my dh often has to put up with listening to nonsense at work,and sometimes reminds me how lucky I am to have friends who understand.

Love Jeanette

[LydiaLunch]

That was a lovely post, Souad :) .

Should have added that I wished so much that I had still been bfing Nancy when Summer came round again and also whenever she was ill :rolleyes: .

[lilyslings]

That was a lovely post, Souad :) .

Thanks Liz :hello:

[cloudbaby]

Hi May,



The key, really, is to surround yourself with people similar to yourself: who listen to their own needs and their families', are open to change and adapt. Children grow quickly and grow out of a lot of things that make them children. Until one day, they are teenagers ... Then there would certainly be concerns of a different nature, isn't it Jeanette and Rachel? ;)

x Souad



Ah yes - teenagers are a whole different ball game (you'll be longing for toddler days again...!)

[samandlula]

Aah what lovely posts everybody, Jazzy is 19 months now and still bf, although is much less reliant than she was. She still is fervant during the night though, and sometimes I get so sick of it (usually when I am tired/grumpy/ill) but these phases pass and I often thank my lucky stars I still have the chance to have these wonderful peaceful moments with her. I encourage her to only feed before sleeps, and of course, she feeds like crazy when she wakes up in the morning, while I pretend to still be asleep! But if she hurts herself/is ill/tired/unsure she feeds whenever she needs to. I feel that denying her that right will make her feel more stressed, and it is sooo comforting to her. I intend to let her breastfeed as long as she needs to, which I imagine will be a long time! Although I would like her to wean, and learn to sleep through some time between 2 and 3, but we'll see! I'm sure she will have other ideas! But I gain so much strength from hearing what those with older toddlers who have weaned/are weaning have to say! I think to wean earlier than your child is ready will be more stressful for you all than letting it happen naturally, but you have to do what feels right for your individual family. For the moment we are ok, but we just have to see what happens. Mum has to be happy for baby to be happy, this is the most important thing. My partner is very supporting, which helps as my family think I'm crazy.I try and keep him as involved as possible, so he doesn't feel left out. Most of all you just have to relax and do what you need to do to have a happy Mummy and baby.
Question:-All you toddler weaners can you tell me, do they stop waking up so many times a night once they are night weaned? Jazzy has never slept through and wakes up several times a night, getting very upset if I am not there (which of course I am not for the first few hours as she goes to bed before me! When she was younger I would go to bed with her to stop her getting so stressed, but now she is startingto learn I am very enar and come very quickly, although I would love for her to sleeo better, she wakes up every 1-2 hours, sometimes more....anyone else the same? xxx sorry to waffle on!

[Velvetsteph]

Another one here chipping in with I feed a toddler too - Isabelle is 25 months now and feeds morning and night, for naps and when under-the-weather etc... However for the most part now (hope I don't jinx myself) she does sleep through with no milk... That I have to say was encouraged by a grumpy over-tired mummy but achieved with not too much fuss - getting her to go to bed happily and settle well in her own bed was a lot of fuss, but in the end seemed to be a milestone/age thing and not related to anything we did but my back is now glad I don't rock her to sleep anymore :)
Though she did feed to sleep/sleepy tonight which was a nice moment

I wonder if 18 months is one of those milestones as I had a rather wobbly moment around then when I had had enough - I posted on another forum with a board for bf older babies and toddlers and received lots of lovely support and reading other people's stories helped me relax and enjoy once more...

I do agree about toddlers generally only feeding at home - though Isabelle does sometimes ask when out and about now and sometimes I say yes - but it depends entirely on her mood, if she's being a monkey or upset...


There's a toddler-breastfeeding special event at Stretford Leisure Centre on May 14th (Wednesday) from 1-3pm (as part of breastfeeding awareness week). There should be some good info for you there, if you can make it, as well as the chance to meet and talk to other mothers who are feeding over-1s.
Why are all the things I want to go to on a Wednesday!
Sadly I start my new job this Wednesday at 12.30 lunchtime so I won't be able to come but would have loved to!

[umleila]

I am also breastfeeding my toddler who is now 21 months. Is it just me that still BFs DD much much more frequently than that? I read all these posts about toddlers only feeding in the morning or much less frequently during the day and this just hasn't happened for us.

I think one reason is that it is just the two of us a lot of the time but even when we are out she wants boob all the time but some days if I hear "more dudu" one more time I think I might go mad! I know she is teething at the moment and am hoping that once all her teeth have come through ( only 4 left phew) that things will get a little easier.

Sam, I still have to be near DD when she wakes up bt usually I am and she doesnt fully wake up really she just wants to feed and then goes back to sleep.

[samandlula]

Hi Rachel, good to hear you chipping in! Jazz is fine when I am near her and
also doesn't really wake up, she is just looking for boob, but what do you do early evening? Do you stay with her all eve? Are you still slinging for sleeps? Jazzy won't really go to sleep on the boob any more unless she is really tired, and is so heavy I can't sling her for long to get her to sleep these days, so sometimes (like now!) i just have to let her get up. It's either that or stay in the bedroom with her silently for like 3 hours, which I've really had enough of these days!xxxlooking forward to seein you soon, is it June?

[cloudbaby]

Question:-All you toddler weaners can you tell me, do they stop waking up so many times a night once they are night weaned? Jazzy has never slept through and wakes up several times a night, getting very upset if I am not there (which of course I am not for the first few hours as she goes to bed before me! When she was younger I would go to bed with her to stop her getting so stressed, but now she is startingto learn I am very enar and come very quickly, although I would love for her to sleeo better, she wakes up every 1-2 hours, sometimes more....anyone else the same? xxx sorry to waffle on!

Hate to be the bearer of bad news Sam, but T has never slept a night through yet (he'll be three in July) and has not fed during the night for a good six-nine months. He does feed to sleep at bedtime. Come to think of it,that could be part of the problem - he never falls off to sleep by himself. He still wakes anywhere from 1-8 times a night and does go back to sleep, but only if G or I get in with him (he's now in his own room) and generally gets up between 5.30 and 6.30 every morning. But all children are different. Hopefully your lovely girl will soon be a sound sleeper!

[indiaeden]

I am also breastfeeding my toddler who is now 21 months. Is it just me that still BFs DD much much more frequently than that? I read all these posts about toddlers only feeding in the morning or much less frequently during the day and this just hasn't happened for us.


Sid only recently gave up feeding during the day,probably in the past three months. It was such a gentle process I barely noticed. I know it's hard some days to imagine that self weaning will ever happen easily,but it does,and it surprises me every time.
I'm not saying I've never felt "touched out", I'm human too. There have been times when I've used distraction to avert yet another breastfeed,but the whole breastfeeding relationship is two way,and especially with toddlers,I have found some ground rules/etiquette is essential.
When Angus was at the stage Leila is I would put him on my back in the Ergo (those were the days! LOL), that way he got the physical closeness,but couldn't reach my boobs, though these days I could probably chuck one over my shoulder :eek:

As for sleeping through, my girls didn't start sleeping through till they started school,(both weaned early at 13 months),and Angus still comes in with us during the night, he's 6,and self weaned due to my being pregnant when he was 3.
Sleeping through,I've decided is a myth!

Love Jeanette

[umleila]

Hi Rachel, good to hear you chipping in! Jazz is fine when I am near her and
also doesn't really wake up, she is just looking for boob, but what do you do early evening? Do you stay with her all eve? Are you still slinging for sleeps? Jazzy won't really go to sleep on the boob any more unless she is really tired, and is so heavy I can't sling her for long to get her to sleep these days, so sometimes (like now!) i just have to let her get up. It's either that or stay in the bedroom with her silently for like 3 hours, which I've really had enough of these days!xxxlooking forward to seein you soon, is it June?

hello: I am still slinging Leila to sleep but much less than I used to, she usually sleeps on the bed for her main nap which is btw right now. I have no probs with that. I actually enjoy because it is the only time of the day I get any peace and quiet and I happily spend most of it browsing the net or reading. I stay with her at night too. We have just learned to live with watching films etc on the laptop on the bedroom floor while she is asleep on the bed. There are now some nights when she wont want a feed for up to 3 hours but those are rare and it is usually anything from half an hour to two hours. Even during her nap she will probably want a feed a couple of times. Just ask Maxine as I am usually chatting to her online and have to leave her every so often Yep, just had to leave this post halfway through:D Yes, I am back in June and can't wait to see you all too. I miss the June slingmeet by a day, but will be back for the July ones.


Sid only recently gave up feeding during the day,probably in the past three months. It was such a gentle process I barely noticed. I know it's hard some days to imagine that self weaning will ever happen easily,but it does,and it surprises me every time.
I'm not saying I've never felt "touched out", I'm human too. There have been times when I've used distraction to avert yet another breastfeed,but the whole breastfeeding relationship is two way,and especially with toddlers,I have found some ground rules/etiquette is essential.
When Angus was at the stage Leila is I would put him on my back in the Ergo (those were the days! LOL), that way he got the physical closeness,but couldn't reach my boobs, though these days I could probably chuck one over my shoulder :eek:

As for sleeping through, my girls didn't start sleeping through till they started school,(both weaned early at 13 months),and Angus still comes in with us during the night, he's 6,and self weaned due to my being pregnant when he was 3.
Sleeping through,I've decided is a myth!

Love Jeanette

I am really really hoping that Leila will self wean. Lol about the boobs comment. Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. I agree with you about the sleeping through the night thing as well. From staying at other people's houses, people who don't co sleep and let their babies cio, IMO we seem to have the better end of the deal because when our babies do wake up we can calm them down quicker and get back to sleep quicker too! I am dreading the time when I will not have the boob as a magical get back to sleep rememdy. What you do then lol?

[nrittadevi]

When I first saw the thread I thought it was not for me as I don?t really have bf problems - apart from having still way too much milk, and the occasional burn-out because she still is sooo hungry (and probably thirsty in this weather) despite solids. By the way I have got a lovely Weleda breastfeeding oil to give away cheaply - it just made me flow over.
From the first time of talking about feeding with my mom and mil I have felt an ever so slight pressure - and irritation - to introduce solids early (which I didn?t) and now to push for her becoming fully weaned (she?s only 7 and a half ms). But I feel that I would like her to self-wean. She is not fussy at all, I mean, she is not wanting my boobs all the time, and I enjoy the closeness and quiet (we need it absolutely quiet now, because the world out there is sooo interesting!). For some reason, she hardly ever seems wanting to feed just for comfort. DH is fortunately okay with this and gets involved in all sorts of ways, and she loves him for it. I?ve seen my Indian "little brother" (now 8) self-wean at around 2, which I always thought was great. He just grew naturally into eating soldis along with it. I?m trying to follow this example an d fortunately our families are on the continent so they are unlikely to interfere that much!
As for co-sleeping, we were prepared to let her decide, but she always was so calm in her moses basket next to our bed on the floor. We always took her into our bed after the early morning feed - still do that, and it is so nice, we all enjoy it, especially on weekends. But when she outgrew the moses basket, we tried putting her into her own bed, into the room next door. And she slept through the night? So this seems to be working for us. Although I am more than happy to take her into our bed if she now wakes up thirsty or something is bothering her. And my hubby is usually the first to bring her!
I feel that she nows exactly what is right for her - whether she wants solids, water, or the boob. And if I go with that, I?m doing well! Not that I don?t have moments where I am fed up?
Wish there were more opportunities in my day to sling her, but when she?s awake and we?re not out and about, she so seems to crave rolling around!
Anyway, I really do feel encouraged to continue bfing as long as she wants. Thank you, ladies! See you next week!

[MaisieMay]

Thank you all so much for writing. It's amazing how less isolated I felt as the first replies came in! (I was in London without my slingmeet password so couldn't reply sooner.)

My DD (look I've used the DD!) is for the last two weeks sleeping on a little mattress in her own room. I settle her there - and mostly feed her to sleep. In the pre-midnight hours my DH settles her back to sleep which seems to work amazingly well. When she wakes after 1am or so she comes in with us. To-ing and fro-ing to feed her back to sleep is just not an option for me - so knackering. But the half night co-sleeping gives my DH and I some much needed adult space and time back. It is really as some of you say - it seems to be the right time - she's fine about being in her own room and it does seem to have coincided with her sleeping for longer stretches of time on her own and feeding more for pleasure than for food (i've noticed the amount she actually drinks is gradually lessening).

I think the pressure to 'get them sleeping through the night' is so constant and insidious. I've worried alot I'm being a bad parent for not 'teaching her to put herself to sleep'. I've worried it's my own fear of being alone that leads to co-sleeping, even though deep down I just feel it's how it ought to be. The first night in hospital the nurses put her in a little crib on the otherisde of the room, 'so you can rest', and it felt so wrong. I just hobbled over and brought her into bed with me.

My parents - who worry about me not getting enough sleep and the state of my relationship - now strongly want us to adopt a cot-cry-it-out-process. My partner and I struggle to make plans of action together, so the current arrangement has just evolved - and I'm really happy with it. It does seem to a gentle, slow approach. I can imagine gradually stretching the time before DD joins us in bed ... maybe one day she'll just potter through in the morning!

I'm partly scarred by trying to night wean her when she was 10 months old: My partner slept all night with our DD and settling her till 5am ish. I slept in the spare room. I found the suddenness and completeness of that separation really difficult. We'd co-slept since she was born and being alone in a bed felt awful. I was having to express in the middle of the night and would lie hunched up by the baby monitor listening to every sound. I think it was just too soon for me and maybe also for her - she woke just as often and wailed. Really different to now.

It's great just to trust that there are gentler options. I will brace myself to try the 'milk is sleeping' thing - myabe just to give it a go. But I do find each step a real push, if that makes sense.

x I could go on and on but already have so will stop!

would love to hear more from you all and hope to see you in sligmeet soon

xxxxxx

[indiaeden]

I'm so glad all the replies helped. This thread is so heart warming,and one of the reasons I love our group so much. :D

Love Jeanette

[samandlula]

"My parents - who worry about me not getting enough sleep and the state of my relationship - now strongly want us to adopt a cot-cry-it-out-process. ":eek:

She's your baby not theirs!!!! Only you know what is right. Don't listen and stick to your guns! Just take things really slow, there's no rush and they're only babies for such a small amount of time in the scheme of things. So glad the replies helped, you started such a lovely thread! Was great to read everyone's input, think it made us all feel better!xxx:hug: :)

[Paxine]

Wow, well done. You sound like you've got a plan. Keep us updated please :D I may have to try it out myself when the time is right.
Take care
Maxine